Weight Lost post. It continues.

The journey is still on the go. This is my latest picture. Sorry is not that decent because I took it when I was taking a break from training. So I look sweaty, sorry. I'll take a decent one next time. Smile smile. Honestly, I've gained during Chinese New Year, gained back to 100kg but I managed to workout and now my weight is back to 97-98kg, in between that. What I'm happy about in this picture is that my collar bone is showing. I have a thing for collar bone and once mine showed then this will makes me happy. Smile smile. Still a long way to go though, I have less than 2 months to get to 80kg. Its not possible though but I have faith, this will work out and I have to work hard for it. Another thing that I have to do is my arm, its huge. DUM DUM DUM DUM. And oh yeah, same goes to my tummy. But step by step, its going to be alright. HAVE FAITH. 






This should be continued, training 2 times a day, eat less carbs. I better start on those oats again, I've skipped for 2 months and I needed to get it back on.
For now, till another post.

Cheers~

Views on Society Big-Sized Girls ~Thoughts post~

We're in the 21st century now, and the world is changing, so as the people living in it, including you and me. But what I want to rant or write my thoughts here is on the society nowadays. Society, a group of people or a community. There are the good and the bad ones. Sometimes, its just the way they are. What I'm saying is, the view of society towards these Big-Sized girls which including me. I'm not sure what the society's view on beauty. Is it being too skinny, beautiful? And being fat, ugly? Sometimes, society makes girls like myself feel insecure about our body, how big is it, what will people say and hearing those taunting and insults really hurts. And sometimes, this insults, bullying can drive a girl to suicide. BULLYING SHOULD STOP. Girls like us, dream of being skinny just like other people but with people bullying and insult us won't do any good. For me, I like a normal sized body, I blamed myself for eating too much, I know its bad but it doesn't mean that people can just put me down like that. Girls who are fat, being laughed at. IT HURTS YOU KNOW? What is beauty actually? Does it define by your size of your body? Or it is define by personality? Nobody knows because it keeps changing everyday.

One of the reasons why we feel insecure? Imagine a skinny girl or a normal sized girl says that she is fat and she needs to lose weight. I heard my sister and my friends says this when i'm around with them. How this makes me feel? I FEEL INSULTED. REALLY. You guys have the perfect body, the body i've always wanted to have and yet you're saying you're fat? Then what am I? A giant? A big fat whale? Have you ever seen how much I want a body like yours? Have you ever feel like you can eat anything and not gain weight? You can eat anything but I can't. You ate a little and said that you're fat? For me, its pathetic for those skinny people saying that they're fat. I'm fat and hearing those just made it seems like an insult to me and also for other girls.

I wished that society would just stop with this judgmental insults towards big-sized girls. Every girl is beautiful, whether you're skinny or fat, you're beautiful. Not in everyone's eyes but in some, you're indeed a beautiful person. People need to realize this soon.

No Hate, cheers~

Continue with the journey ~weight post~

So far as my journey continue, I'm maintaining my weight for now. But I did lose 1 kg so its at 98 kg for now. And I'm planning to maintain this weight for maybe this week. Its hard to think that you want and you have to lose weight and at the same time, thinking on your exams or studies. I mean, you have two important things in your mind. I'm not complaining but sometimes, its hard to deal with everything. Yes, I can be a complainer. *whine whine* But this is all part of human life and human traits aight? So no need to feel different. 

Life of a Closet Lesbian Saying 2 ~Weight Post~

Alright, this post is about weight. I've blog about losing weight in my few post ago. The gist is, I've been working out for the past nearly 5 months. It has been hectic, I must say. In September, my starting weight was at 115kg, as months passed till now, my current weight is at 99kg. So far, I've lost 16kg from my beginning weight. I know the weight losing is slow for 5 months of workout. This is because I didn't push myself too hard because if I did it, I would be depressed and things can happen. To add up, I did gain few KGs during Christmas. But COME ON, THERE'S FOODDDD! *laugh laugh* Compared to my beginning weight, someone told me that the weight that I lost is still little. I was kinda confuse with her statement though. But yeah, I'm happy with the weight that I lost and I'm gonna keep up with my training and diet. My ideal weight is to get to 80kg before March. I know its still heavy and all but I can't be skinny, I'm big boned. I don't want to be too skinny though. I want people to feel warm and comfort when they hug me *smile smile* To be honest, I've never reached below 100kg before. Seriously, I started to weight above 100kg when I was 13-14 years old and now I'm 20, coming to 21 in 7 months, I guess, I've gone back to my 13-14year old weight? This is just wow. I feel blessed and grateful. Above all, with the 5 months workout, I'm happy with these changes and i'm determined to keep moving forward.


After losing 16kg, the changes.....

This is me on the 8th of November 2011
Weight: 106-108 [after workout since September]

This is me on the 4th of January 2012
Weight: 99 [after workout since September]

Another one from my poetry archive :)

This Sadness Isn't Fair

Staring into blank space,
Thinking with a blurry face,
Petrified with the dark skies,
Tears fall from this eyes.

The sound coming from my iPod,
Songs of the odd,
Turning away from every stare,
This sadness isn't fair.

Pulling away from everyone,
Yearning to get away for once,
Finding a place to call my own,
Makes this face without a frown.

Tears turn to blood red,
Every tear are shed,
Everything is just a blur,
This sadness isn't fair.

Life of a Closet Lesbian Saying 1

Life is what you call a beautiful thing to live in. Yes, it is beautiful but sometimes there's sadness, anger, loneliness, challenges, well that what each of us face in life. I haven't blog in a while, I'm trying to manage my time well as it gets busier day by day. Taking up degree, currently taking the finals for Semester 2 but will be going on to semester 3 in March. Life goes on fast. In 7 months, I will 21. As what people say here, freedom age or the age that you're allowed to vote. As the age moves up, sure there will be all sorts of challenges. But hey, this is life right? 

For 20 years of my life, changes and changes. There are good and bad changes. Medically speaking, there's also a change. Being told to lose weight is the most hardest part last year. First, it is because I love to eat. Really I do. Philosophically, people who love to eat are the happy ones. Well that is my saying though. But that is what I see in my opinion. Because all of the family aspirations and expectations, I have to lose weight. So my progress is 50% of being force, 40% I have to and 10% because I want to. I know that is a bad progress. Laugh laugh. But after few months, so far, I've lost 15kg. It does feel good for the changes though but I realized something. I do love working out, it released stress. Smile smile. But never workout out of anger or sadness. I did last year and dang, NOT GOOD. I repeat NOT GOOD. Above all, I'm happy with the changes. Another change is that, I got my first piercing on my left upper ear. THAT IS MY FIRST PIERCING IN MY 20 YEARS OF LIFE. Sorry caps. But yeah. I want to get another piercing though. But with parents approval. Yes I'm a good girl, with quotation. I do want to get a tattoo on my birthday. I've asked my parents but they forbid me to get it. I want to get this wordings, "Have Faith In Me" below my collar bone because those wordings means so much to me. People told me not to do this that because in their mind, I can't do it. "Have faith in me" is what I want to show them, to believe in me that I can do things.

As far as this life goes, I'm still a closet lesbian. Yes, I haven't come out to my parents yet because I'm afraid. Yes, I'm afraid that it will disrupt the family relationship. I don't want that to happen. I'm content with my life but I just don't want to live in hiding for who I am anymore. I want to be open and accepted. But that is just hard to happen with my family. Both of my sisters knows and my brother. All I need is for my parents to know. Maybe I'll just keep this to myself for just a bit more time. I'll finish my degree then probably its time to tell them. My friends, my close friends to be specific, yes they know and I'm thankful for their acceptance for who I am. They know how I feel and sometimes we make jokes about me being gay. This is why I'm so thankful for their 100% of acceptance and support. I love them to bits. Most of everyday of my life, I'm thinking of when will I tell my family about the real me. A lesbian who has been hiding from her identity for years because she is afraid of her family won't accept her. It made me think, when? How? Will I? For all I know, I will keep moving forward in life, complete my task, get my degree, fulfill my future, then I will know what to do in the next step. I know for now, I will just be a closet lesbian and live my life to the fullest.

Cheers~

One of the few changes :)

This is me on the 5th of November 2011

This is me on the 7th of January 2012















Any changes? The hair yes :) Also, lose few weights. Only few xD