Weight Lost post. It continues.

The journey is still on the go. This is my latest picture. Sorry is not that decent because I took it when I was taking a break from training. So I look sweaty, sorry. I'll take a decent one next time. Smile smile. Honestly, I've gained during Chinese New Year, gained back to 100kg but I managed to workout and now my weight is back to 97-98kg, in between that. What I'm happy about in this picture is that my collar bone is showing. I have a thing for collar bone and once mine showed then this will makes me happy. Smile smile. Still a long way to go though, I have less than 2 months to get to 80kg. Its not possible though but I have faith, this will work out and I have to work hard for it. Another thing that I have to do is my arm, its huge. DUM DUM DUM DUM. And oh yeah, same goes to my tummy. But step by step, its going to be alright. HAVE FAITH. 






This should be continued, training 2 times a day, eat less carbs. I better start on those oats again, I've skipped for 2 months and I needed to get it back on.
For now, till another post.

Cheers~

Views on Society Big-Sized Girls ~Thoughts post~

We're in the 21st century now, and the world is changing, so as the people living in it, including you and me. But what I want to rant or write my thoughts here is on the society nowadays. Society, a group of people or a community. There are the good and the bad ones. Sometimes, its just the way they are. What I'm saying is, the view of society towards these Big-Sized girls which including me. I'm not sure what the society's view on beauty. Is it being too skinny, beautiful? And being fat, ugly? Sometimes, society makes girls like myself feel insecure about our body, how big is it, what will people say and hearing those taunting and insults really hurts. And sometimes, this insults, bullying can drive a girl to suicide. BULLYING SHOULD STOP. Girls like us, dream of being skinny just like other people but with people bullying and insult us won't do any good. For me, I like a normal sized body, I blamed myself for eating too much, I know its bad but it doesn't mean that people can just put me down like that. Girls who are fat, being laughed at. IT HURTS YOU KNOW? What is beauty actually? Does it define by your size of your body? Or it is define by personality? Nobody knows because it keeps changing everyday.

One of the reasons why we feel insecure? Imagine a skinny girl or a normal sized girl says that she is fat and she needs to lose weight. I heard my sister and my friends says this when i'm around with them. How this makes me feel? I FEEL INSULTED. REALLY. You guys have the perfect body, the body i've always wanted to have and yet you're saying you're fat? Then what am I? A giant? A big fat whale? Have you ever seen how much I want a body like yours? Have you ever feel like you can eat anything and not gain weight? You can eat anything but I can't. You ate a little and said that you're fat? For me, its pathetic for those skinny people saying that they're fat. I'm fat and hearing those just made it seems like an insult to me and also for other girls.

I wished that society would just stop with this judgmental insults towards big-sized girls. Every girl is beautiful, whether you're skinny or fat, you're beautiful. Not in everyone's eyes but in some, you're indeed a beautiful person. People need to realize this soon.

No Hate, cheers~

Continue with the journey ~weight post~

So far as my journey continue, I'm maintaining my weight for now. But I did lose 1 kg so its at 98 kg for now. And I'm planning to maintain this weight for maybe this week. Its hard to think that you want and you have to lose weight and at the same time, thinking on your exams or studies. I mean, you have two important things in your mind. I'm not complaining but sometimes, its hard to deal with everything. Yes, I can be a complainer. *whine whine* But this is all part of human life and human traits aight? So no need to feel different. 

Life of a Closet Lesbian Saying 2 ~Weight Post~

Alright, this post is about weight. I've blog about losing weight in my few post ago. The gist is, I've been working out for the past nearly 5 months. It has been hectic, I must say. In September, my starting weight was at 115kg, as months passed till now, my current weight is at 99kg. So far, I've lost 16kg from my beginning weight. I know the weight losing is slow for 5 months of workout. This is because I didn't push myself too hard because if I did it, I would be depressed and things can happen. To add up, I did gain few KGs during Christmas. But COME ON, THERE'S FOODDDD! *laugh laugh* Compared to my beginning weight, someone told me that the weight that I lost is still little. I was kinda confuse with her statement though. But yeah, I'm happy with the weight that I lost and I'm gonna keep up with my training and diet. My ideal weight is to get to 80kg before March. I know its still heavy and all but I can't be skinny, I'm big boned. I don't want to be too skinny though. I want people to feel warm and comfort when they hug me *smile smile* To be honest, I've never reached below 100kg before. Seriously, I started to weight above 100kg when I was 13-14 years old and now I'm 20, coming to 21 in 7 months, I guess, I've gone back to my 13-14year old weight? This is just wow. I feel blessed and grateful. Above all, with the 5 months workout, I'm happy with these changes and i'm determined to keep moving forward.


After losing 16kg, the changes.....

This is me on the 8th of November 2011
Weight: 106-108 [after workout since September]

This is me on the 4th of January 2012
Weight: 99 [after workout since September]

Another one from my poetry archive :)

This Sadness Isn't Fair

Staring into blank space,
Thinking with a blurry face,
Petrified with the dark skies,
Tears fall from this eyes.

The sound coming from my iPod,
Songs of the odd,
Turning away from every stare,
This sadness isn't fair.

Pulling away from everyone,
Yearning to get away for once,
Finding a place to call my own,
Makes this face without a frown.

Tears turn to blood red,
Every tear are shed,
Everything is just a blur,
This sadness isn't fair.

Life of a Closet Lesbian Saying 1

Life is what you call a beautiful thing to live in. Yes, it is beautiful but sometimes there's sadness, anger, loneliness, challenges, well that what each of us face in life. I haven't blog in a while, I'm trying to manage my time well as it gets busier day by day. Taking up degree, currently taking the finals for Semester 2 but will be going on to semester 3 in March. Life goes on fast. In 7 months, I will 21. As what people say here, freedom age or the age that you're allowed to vote. As the age moves up, sure there will be all sorts of challenges. But hey, this is life right? 

For 20 years of my life, changes and changes. There are good and bad changes. Medically speaking, there's also a change. Being told to lose weight is the most hardest part last year. First, it is because I love to eat. Really I do. Philosophically, people who love to eat are the happy ones. Well that is my saying though. But that is what I see in my opinion. Because all of the family aspirations and expectations, I have to lose weight. So my progress is 50% of being force, 40% I have to and 10% because I want to. I know that is a bad progress. Laugh laugh. But after few months, so far, I've lost 15kg. It does feel good for the changes though but I realized something. I do love working out, it released stress. Smile smile. But never workout out of anger or sadness. I did last year and dang, NOT GOOD. I repeat NOT GOOD. Above all, I'm happy with the changes. Another change is that, I got my first piercing on my left upper ear. THAT IS MY FIRST PIERCING IN MY 20 YEARS OF LIFE. Sorry caps. But yeah. I want to get another piercing though. But with parents approval. Yes I'm a good girl, with quotation. I do want to get a tattoo on my birthday. I've asked my parents but they forbid me to get it. I want to get this wordings, "Have Faith In Me" below my collar bone because those wordings means so much to me. People told me not to do this that because in their mind, I can't do it. "Have faith in me" is what I want to show them, to believe in me that I can do things.

As far as this life goes, I'm still a closet lesbian. Yes, I haven't come out to my parents yet because I'm afraid. Yes, I'm afraid that it will disrupt the family relationship. I don't want that to happen. I'm content with my life but I just don't want to live in hiding for who I am anymore. I want to be open and accepted. But that is just hard to happen with my family. Both of my sisters knows and my brother. All I need is for my parents to know. Maybe I'll just keep this to myself for just a bit more time. I'll finish my degree then probably its time to tell them. My friends, my close friends to be specific, yes they know and I'm thankful for their acceptance for who I am. They know how I feel and sometimes we make jokes about me being gay. This is why I'm so thankful for their 100% of acceptance and support. I love them to bits. Most of everyday of my life, I'm thinking of when will I tell my family about the real me. A lesbian who has been hiding from her identity for years because she is afraid of her family won't accept her. It made me think, when? How? Will I? For all I know, I will keep moving forward in life, complete my task, get my degree, fulfill my future, then I will know what to do in the next step. I know for now, I will just be a closet lesbian and live my life to the fullest.

Cheers~

One of the few changes :)

This is me on the 5th of November 2011

This is me on the 7th of January 2012















Any changes? The hair yes :) Also, lose few weights. Only few xD

Haven't been on here in a while *blows dust off away* swoossshh

So, I haven't been on here in a while. Hey! I got reasons. Well I'm sorry for being an unmanageable person in the blogging industry. Lots of Laugh. So, yes another SO. Things has changed, quite a few in my life. I'll post a change in my other post later. Okay, first year of degree, second semester, currently sitting for the finals. Few months to go before the third semester. Moving to Shah Alam for 2 years. Changes and more changes. Am I Happy? Am I Sad? Am I Reluctant? I'm not sure how I feel about it. I like unplanned things, it makes life more excited to live in. Okay, this is my first post since the last post that I post here, which is last year I think, so lets update more :)

Best BIRTHDAY EVERRRRRRR :'D

So this person was born on the 10th of July 1991, 5.30am, healthy and yeah, crying a lot. She was named Jacinta Lontue E. Jominol by her grandparents on her father's side, and on sunday the 10th, she turned 20! That person is me :) A year older, a year wiser. Hehe. So on sunday, celebrated my birthday with my three sisters, Candice, Gracie and Nana. We went to Upperstar. Crazy thing happened? Yeah Candice and Nana were goofing around with the computer, and Nana hit this button which makes the computer to QWERTYUIOP! Funny times. And oh yeah, they made me open my present, man twas HUGE. Well, guess what? THEY GAVE ME A STUFFED PENGUIN! WAIT..I REPEAT THAT, A HUGE STUFFED PENGUIN! Twas from Candice, Gracie and Dora :') Thank you so much guys. Oh yeah! We named the penguin, PANTATZ! And Nana, abuse it. SEXUALLY ABUSE IT xD then we were suppose to go to Perdana Park but its close so Nana told us to go to cybercity. We went there, my friends made me carry Pantatz and told me to wait at the basketball court. I WAS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COURT ALONE WITH PANTATZ IN MY ARMS..so..I waited, they asked me to turned around, THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER! Nana BAKED ME A CAKE! :'D They sang happy birthday to me..and so there the senior pjs saw us..haha! We ate the cake in the middle of the court, MAN IT WAS AWESOME! 

And also today, I got a mystery present from somebody, well two person. Okay, its not a mystery anymore xD Guess what? A PENGUIN GLOBE! From Aina and Shasha. Awwwwhhhhh! :'D and owh, not forgetting, Afiq bought me a slice of secret recipe's cake. NomNomNom! ♥

I feel like crying. Tears of joy, happiness..I'm so blessed to have such friends like them. I love you guys so so much! ♥♥♥

Here's Pantatz! :'D

Ze Penguin Globe from Aina and Shasha :)

Till the next post. Much love ♥

~Cheers

Another one from my poetry archive ^.^

This was written on 9.17.2010.

You're the One For Me

Can you feel this heart beat?

The sound of happiness,

I'm feeling up the heat, 

There is no sadness.

Your smile made my day,

Keeps my worries at bay,

Deep in my heart,

You are all that I feel.

When I close my eyes,

You are all that I can see,

Deep in my thoughts,

You're the one for me.

Well, looks like someone is in love in this poem? Trust me, it wasn't me. Wait..it was written last year..when I was with, I prefer not to mention that person's name. Ah yes, I might..I said -might- be in love when I wrote this poem.

Till the next post

~cheers

another from my poem archive :)

This was written on the 5.21.2011

Heartache

Laying on the grassy field,

Staring at the sky so blue,

Tracing invisible hearts,

Heartache dwells in me.

As I close my eyes,

Feels the wind blowing,

As this heartache grows,

I'm damned to be hurt.

Opening this eyes,

Fill with agony and pain,

Stood up and stare,

Spread my arms wide.

As I feel the wind,

Blowing through my face,

I clenched my teeth,

Throw my fist into the air,

I cursed myself for being alive.

This heartache hurts so much,

Feeling the pain in my veins,

Look forward to nothing,

I fucked up everything.

Okay, when I read this poem back, its kind of a suicide-like kind of poem? O.O

What happened to me back in May? I remembered that I was really depressed but the reason was a bit blurry. Now it makes me wonder..why..

Till the next post

~cheers

JACEEEEEE!!! what happen to you? o.o xD

*shouts* HERRRROOOOOOWWWWWWW!!! (well sorry for my ADHD moment, I haven't been on here in while. I beg thy mercy xD) So the inside scoop? The goss? The 411? TELL ME! Oh wait, no, I SHOULD TELL YOU! (sorry ADHD moment again..hey! don't blame me, i'm hyper, I just ate like ASDFGHJKL bars of chocolates) Okay, I'm weird, nuff' said. So, lets begin :)

Firstly, tomorrow is the third week of the 2nd semester of my first year degree in my 16 years of education. Why 16? Because I start going to school, wait no, pre-school when I was 4 years old, more like a nursery though but there are some learning during those days..ah yes *nods nods* Oh! Dad and sister just got home from megalong, yeah they went to watch Transformer. I'm waiting for my other sister to come back next week from Keningau so I can watch with her *nods nods* 

Secondly, guess who's the P.KO for this semester? Yours truly :) I'm still in hesitation though but I will try my best to do my job. This semester will be very busy, well in my prediction though..wait NO! Not prediction anymore, REALITY! Hahahahahaahaha! Ah well, life fucked us all aye? No one dies a virgin? LOL at that statement but somewhat seems to be true. So how will I cope? All I need is dedication, trust and faith in myself and in God. Another problem though, I'm somewhat a LAZY TWAT! Seriously, no shizz. Don't believe? Ask my MUM :D

Thirdly, my hair is short! How short? A picture will be the prove..well not a picture..pictures :) yep, that sounds right. The reason why I want my hair to be short, is because, gah! The heat nowadays, whoa! HOT! If the policy allowed public exposure, I'll take off my shirt in public. Hahahahahaah! I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT. I'm HOT, oh what now?! The weather temperature is hot. Thats the right statement. In class from monday to friday, ohmygoodnessofallthethingsthatisholy, soaking in sweat. I repeat, SOAKING IN BLOODY SWEAT! *glaring eyes*

This is BEFORE :)

And..AFTER :) with short bangs

Aights, moving on. Fourthly, well, life is not easy aight? Things go up..way up..way way up, then down..or DOWN TO THE CORE OF THE EARTH! o.o well that is scary ain't it? We have our own lives, no need to bug other people's life..WAIT WAIT WAIT! alright, I know bugging people's life is annoying, some say you're a busybody..but what is the person really care about you? I know..that got me thinking. So what I understand is..(this is just my opinion) you can bug people's life, but..don't bug too much aye? You don't want to be called as a stalker don't you? We all have limits, what to do? We're humans, and our limits is kind of one of our life challenges. 

and owh! Lastly, my latest 411! I'm addicted to PENGUINS!! AHHH! THEY'RE SO ADORABLE! (like me..cheh! puji diri sendiri)

My penguin whom I called, Mr. Bubbles. Love :)

I'm done for today :) Till the next post (I hope)

~Cheers <3

Life Plan

So I was thinking, after I get my degree work for 5 to 10 years, then something came into my head. I planned that I want to adopt a baby girl. I know this plan might be crazy for a young girl like me, it might be immature but this is what I want in my life. I want to adopt a baby girl and named her Sapphire. Its a greek name which means Deep Blue, a gemstone name. I've been admiring that name since 2 years ago. But my mom said, the future is unpredictable, you might get married or not, God's will. A question though. How am I going to get marry if I'm well..not straight? Oh yeah, my mom doesn't know that. Hmm, but I still want a baby girl though. Lets just see what happen then.

this came out suddenly...

I forgot WHAT I wrote on my notebook..whoa..memory loss there.. It's not a poem though but its kinda like expressing my emotions but in a long sentence way. Weird aye? So..here it goes..


The truth is...

I am a lonely girl who desires to love someone and be loved by that someone.

A girl with a crack across her heart. She doesn't want attention, she just want...

A moment that she could make it last forever,

A moment where she wants to be with a person she truly love,

A moment where she can put an unpretentiousness smile on her face,

A moment where she can treasure it forever.

As she sat down alone,

Virgin tears falls down from her eyes,

Tears of loneliness,

Tears of a shattered heart.

She waits for the day to come,

but still, nothing.

She whispered to herself,

"That day will never come, it doesn't exist".

She sat alone, 

looking down,

as closes her eyes,

feels the wind around her,

looking up to the sky slowly opens her eyes and weakly breaths out...

"Goodbye World"

Then she lay there...breathless...

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER, I SCRIBBLE THESE WORDS IN MY NOTEBOOK O.O

What happen when you finished your literature test early xD

So today was our literature test, it was a 2 hours test, 2 essays. So as usual, finished the essay..but this time it was an hour early. I was looking out the window though, suddenly someone came into my mind. Not going to say who, but I have been liking this person for quite sometime. I was scribbling some stuff on my other paper, when I realized it, I was writing a poem because of that particular person. The poem goes like this..

You Are My Angel

Sitting here thinking,

My heart is sinking,

Looking out the window,

You came into my mind.

A smile were put on this face,

A feeling of an ace,

Thinking of you makes me calm,

Don't ever leave my mind.

A feeling that I feel,

My wounds are healed,

You made this possible,

I'm grateful for meeting you.

Talking to you is all I want,

Being with you is all I need,

Uttering these words from my heart,

You are my angel.

I gave away my first kiss to the wrong person. Stupid aye? :/

So the story begins when I met this girl on facebook, well she added me first. I don't really know her though and neither do she know me. And we chat on facebook last year and trade numbers. First I thought, who is this girl? I asked my friends if they know her and the answer was NO. *facepalm* We text and text, talked on the phone and somehow, who knows who like who? Major confusion about that. Sorry. She says she likes me. I was like "okay" then I thought, Jaceyy, just go with the flow. For me, she's a very 'manja' person, let me talk this part in bahasa: sikit-sikit mau merajuk, dah dipujuk, masi merajuk. So I have to ring her and calm her down. Okay, what happen was last night, she text me suddenly and said she wants to go out and have a drink. I said okay then meet up at Vertigo (seriously wants to bring my friends there after our allowance are out coz that place is EPIC). She brought some friends with her and I brought my cousin along. So we meet up at Vertigo, I have to admit this, when I saw her with her outfit>>> *jawdrop* whoa! Sexy! Yeah, I'm the dirty thoughts behind your mind. She was wearing this kinda tube dress, and her bazookas were half revealing. *shakes head then slap face* Jaceyy! Focus! We enter the bistro, holding each other's hand, sit down and 2 jugs of beer. Yum! The atmosphere was epic! The music, I can say you can totally shake what your mama gave ya! Yes, seriously. So after couple of glasses and conversations then she suddenly look at me and said "I want a kiss". God knows how I feel at that time, my face were like this O.o then I said to her "What? Wait, you mean now?" Then she said seriously "Yes, now. Here" Astaga! In front of my cousin again that, they don't know that I'm not straight! Geez! Her friends pun were looking at me. I was seriously shy at that time, she leans close to me, closes her eyes and waiting for me to kiss her. Oh hell no, both of my cousins were beside me, looking at me confused. Then I said to her, "later la, not here" My gosh she's very demanding, "No, I want here now." My heart was seriously beating fast! She was really demanding so I bring her to a corner of the place. She leans on the world, looking at my eyes. Gosh woman, I'm not going to do you, its just a kiss. Yes, a kiss, thats what I thought it was. Still I was still shy and then again she said, "please". Ah okay! I lean close to her, I kissed her, like I said, I thought it was just a KISS. BUT IT WASN'T! She french kissed me!! AAHHMAIGOSHHHH!!! Twas so awkward! To be honest, I did enjoy it a bit but it was really awkward! I can feel her tongue..gah! Nevermind! See the picture there? Thats how we kissed and it was a 5 second thing. But my favourite part is after we kissed, I hold her close to me, she lays on my chest and I lay on her shoulder, kissed her shoulder again. Those moment, as if we're a couple. FYI we're not and I think I won't be seeing her again.

*sigh* I feel upset giving away my first kiss to her. Because I think that I won't be seeing her again. I don't know. She seemed not interested in being with me and I feel so awkward being with her. But she's kinda straight though. I don't think she wants to be with me. But her friend said "she likes you, go dance with her" not to mention, her friend is also demanding. You don't force people to do something that they don't want to. Haha! *sigh* depends on her then, if she wants to text, text and if she doesn't want then its up to her. I'm always up for another outing but not another kiss. Major awkwardness! 

My recent poem that I recently write :)T

Sitting Here Feeling Empty

In this cold surrounding,

Thinking about fighting,

The pain is excruciating,

I always end up losing.

Wondering what went wrong,

Making you say goodbye,

That word hurts my soul,

This is all a foul.

Its breaking me down more,

When you're not here,

Knowing that you'll never be back,

Leaving me here, broken.

I have nothing to say,

Just remembering the happy times,

Without you then its just me,

Sitting here feeling empty.

omg! Its been a long time Mr.Blog :P

Pew pew! OMG! when is the last time I write a blog? *looks around* umm..nah, nevermind. So new year aye? Hmm..lots of changes I presume? New class..new attitude..new hair? Yes new hair. How new? My emo bangs is gone..now its all short. My sister said from an emo to a korean and she kept calling me Asian. Wtf sis? I am an asian, you look MORE asian! :P But I miss my emo hair though..I wonder if it could grow back before TESL night..hehe. Oh by the way, I wrote another poem, a depressing poem in fact, I'll post it later :) xx

Omaigosh! What?! No!

So, today is my grandma's 70th birthday..all of the family gather together which sums up to 200 people. Yeah, that much. Oh btw, its 2.05am, the exact time I'm writing this blog. Okay, most shocking moment ever, my ex text me. No, not Jessica, but my other ex. MY EX-GUY! ALERT! EX! GUY! A GUY! hahahah, shocker. Well, me and him did get together, we both live in P'pang. But guess what? We only got together for 3 DAYS! Why? Oh come, like I said, I can't be in love with guys. So, he text me today, we began to text, well, I ask him to come to the party but he's shy. Oh well. We did meet for a while though, I have to walk like few meters away from the house just to meet him. It was our first meeting too. I think I'm taller than him, hah! LOL! oh, its 2.10am! Hehe! Continue on, my gosh it was so awkward meeting him. After the meet, well, he began to text and call me. Replied text but a call? Man I don't know what to say. I don't know how to communicate with guys other than my cousins or my close friends.

The reasons why I broke up with him are:

• He's a guy. I'm gay, so.. nada.
• It's too awkward
• When I'm with him, he text like every second.
• He calls everyday, I don't know what to say if we text then he called.
• I don't want to break his heart knowing that I can't like/love him.

Hmm..well, I did broke his heart though when I broke up with him. I feel so wrong and now I feel more wrong than ever if he keeps on texting or calling me. I can't deal with this any longer. For all I know, all I want  is Jessica to be with me again. I only want her. But I guess, she never want to talk to me again, guess that she found someone else *sigh*

should I? *A queer's thought*

So, I've been living my life for 19 years now. I'm still alive and I thank God for letting me live this long although I've tried to take it myself on some occasions. Lets put the past behind yeah? So, like I said I discovered that I'm not straight since I'm 13 years old. But I'm still confuse at that time. To this day, I am now positive about myself that I'm gay. Living in a homophobic society is hard because people around here are different from people from other countries. Most people here are, well, how shall I put this, conservative? Yes, most people here are conservative. Only few that I know are open-minded. Keeping this secret is difficult especially from your own family. Yes, family. In front of them, I have to pretend to be someone else which I hate when this happens. Its hard to talk about this, about me and what I've been going through. To be honest, I can't like guys, in terms that I can't fall in love with them. I like guys just as friends but not fall in love. But for girls, I fall for girls fast. I can't stand keeping this secret anymore, especially from my family. I don't want to live my life being someone who is not me. I'm happy for being who I am, I chose my life to be like this. But what I don't understand is, why people can't accept it? *sigh* I love my family, I really do but I really want that they can accept me for who I am. I'm not forcing them but it would be nice if they learn to accept it slowly. I'm thinking about this for a long time, thinking of telling them. The only problem is that I'm afraid it would bring this family down. I can't bring myself to that situation. Should I tell them? Should I come out to them? Should I?