should I? *A queer's thought*

So, I've been living my life for 19 years now. I'm still alive and I thank God for letting me live this long although I've tried to take it myself on some occasions. Lets put the past behind yeah? So, like I said I discovered that I'm not straight since I'm 13 years old. But I'm still confuse at that time. To this day, I am now positive about myself that I'm gay. Living in a homophobic society is hard because people around here are different from people from other countries. Most people here are, well, how shall I put this, conservative? Yes, most people here are conservative. Only few that I know are open-minded. Keeping this secret is difficult especially from your own family. Yes, family. In front of them, I have to pretend to be someone else which I hate when this happens. Its hard to talk about this, about me and what I've been going through. To be honest, I can't like guys, in terms that I can't fall in love with them. I like guys just as friends but not fall in love. But for girls, I fall for girls fast. I can't stand keeping this secret anymore, especially from my family. I don't want to live my life being someone who is not me. I'm happy for being who I am, I chose my life to be like this. But what I don't understand is, why people can't accept it? *sigh* I love my family, I really do but I really want that they can accept me for who I am. I'm not forcing them but it would be nice if they learn to accept it slowly. I'm thinking about this for a long time, thinking of telling them. The only problem is that I'm afraid it would bring this family down. I can't bring myself to that situation. Should I tell them? Should I come out to them? Should I? 

I'm done with everything!

So, I just got an email from Jessica and she said that we're done. She said that she sent me emails but I didn't even get one fucking email! She said we should be friends, well fuck that! Friends? We're not even talking! How can we ever be friends?! She said I deserved better?! WHY THE FUCK YOU EVEN SAID THAT?! All I want is to be with you and you want to be friends?! Coz of I didn't get your emails?! This wouldn't happen if you didn't delete me off your friend's list, where we can talk there instead of emailing where the emails sometimes didn't get through and we can't receive it. ALL I WANT FOR YOU IS TO TRUST ME AS I HAVE TRUST YOU! But shit happens, it wasn't meant to be. Besides Vanessa, this is the most ever hurtful thing thats ever happen to me. You know what? I'M DONE WITH EVERYTHING! FUCK IT! 

The Mortician's Daughter [this song actually makes me cry]

Seriously this song really does makes me cry, The Mortician's Daughter by Black Veils Bride.
Here are the lyrics...


I open my lungs dear
I sing this song at funerals...no rush.
These lyrics heard a thousand times, just plush.
A baby boy you've held so tightly, this pain it visits almost nightly
Missing hotel beds I feel your touch.


I will wait dear, a patient of eternity, my crush
A universal still.
No rust.
No dust will ever grow in this frame, 
one million years I will say your name.
I love you more than I can ever scream.


We booked our flight those years ago,
I said I love you as I left you.
Regrets still haunt my hollow head, but I promised you I will see you again, again.


I sit here and smile dear
I smile because I think of you and blush.
These bleeding hollow dials...this fuss.
A fuss is made of miles and travels when roadways are but stones and gravel.
A bleeding heart and conquer every crutch.


We booked our flight those years ago
you said you loved me as you left me. Regrets still haunt your saddened head but I promised you I will see you, 
We booked our flight those years ago 
I said I loved you and I left you
Regrets no longer in my head, 
I promised you and now I'm home again, again, again, again, again.


I'm home again. 

Confuse between two souls :(

Have you ever had the feelings where you're confuse between two people? I mean confuse as in you're not sure which one to like/love. I'm having that feeling now. Between who? Between Jessica and the girl I met on twitter, Kimberly. *sigh* I love Jessica, I really do but I don't get why we don't talk anymore. She never email me back or call me. I emailed her many times but there's just no reply back from her. It makes me think that does she really want to be with me? Have she been playing with my feelings all this time? I think too much until I dreamed about her few days ago. It was more like a nightmare. I dreamed that she was married to this guy. To a guy?! Now thats just wrong..coz she's..well a lesbian. And our son, Gabriel, she lied to me about that and it turns out the baby was hers and the guy. That dream look so real, I literally cry. And if you vice versa the dream, she would be married to a girl and the baby is theirs. OMG! This is so sad. Arghhh! I hate crying! I feel like I'm going to lose her soon, or I'm already losing her. Gah! Jace, don't think too much! Moving on to Kimberly, I met her on twitter, she followed me first. We start really talking in September during my college break. We talked about cigs and stuff. But as days passed, we started to flirt. It was just a silly flirting but it kinda build up to something. For me, I kinda started to like her for real. She's a Sarawakian though. So, I came up with this idea and ask her to be my gf for a week and boy that was the best one week of my life. We continue though..she told me that she really like me. I don't know if she really mean it or not. OMG I GOTTA TAKE THAT BARCARDI BOTTLE UP IN THE SHELF, I NEED A SHOT! Lol, sorry that was random but I really need at least one shot. Ooh ooh, I saw someone's bio and she state that GO OUT AND GET LAID. I was on twitter while blogging, hehe. Ok, back to my situation. I'm so confuse now..I'm emotionally attached to both. I can't be with Kim because she has a boyfriend and I might not be with Jessica because she lives in Tennessee. THE BIG PROBLEM IS..WHY CAN'T I FIND SOMEONE WHO IS NEAR TO ME..LIKE IN SABAH FOR INSTANCE??? Ugh! I hate this feelings. But, i'm pretty sure that I want to be with Jessica and only her. I really love her more than anything in this world. *sigh* it feels like I'm giving up. Let's just see what happen.... 

He makes me go "awwww" and left me in "awe" ;)

Lol @ my blog title. So "he", I mean, Andrew Dennis Biersack or more famous known as Andy Sixx. If you're into any post-hardcore music and this awesome amazing dude is from the band Black Veil Brides. They're awesome! Seeing all his pictures..OMG! I'm like, I wish you were in my pants. LOL! Got me drooling..whatafack?! Hahahahaha! I mean, look at him! One word, FLAWLESS! His eyes are mesmerizing, his lips..aww, I want to bite his lip ring! GAWD! Jace is horny! Hahahaha! Lol jk jk. But he is one..dayummmm! 

And this one with the war paint. Awesome right? Though I can't even do that, Imma try it later. Hahaha! He looks so..ahhhhh! AMAZINGLY AWESOME AMAZING! I can't get enough of him! His music are also awesome! I'm downloading it now. Wooo! :D

And this is Black Veil Brides :D

I feel like I'm losing you...

This is the part where I don't like being like this. Depression. A word that kills 70% of the people in this God forsaken world. I admit, I hate being like this but I can't help it. Do you know the girl that I'm in love with? Jessica. Yes, her. My wifey. Well, I don't know about that much anymore. You see, it all started when things started to fall apart when I didn't pick up her calls. Then she started questioning about our relationship. Then I explained to her why and things got better. For a while. And she got into an accident which really kinda make our relationship a bit rough. Then I questioned her about our relationship. There begin our first argument. Then after talk here and there, things got a bit better. And what makes it better is that she told me that she adopt a baby boy and named him Gabriel Michael. I was happy that she adopted him and being with her, that baby would be my son. So, days and days passed, and guess what, SHE ACCUSED ME OF CHEATING! I was like what the eff?! She said that someone told her that I did. We broke up for 3 days. I feel like forever! So I keep on emailing her telling her that I didn't cheat and told her that I love her so much. So after 3 days, she called me and boy I was emotional on the phone. I told her that I wanted to be with her and only her and I want her to be my wife. She said she's not going anywhere and want to be my wife. I was so happy to hear her saying that. On that day, we got back together. We emailed then again after few days, she never email back nor call me or anything. And now, we haven't talk for nearly to weeks. Do you know how hurtful it is?! I'm missing her so much! I just want to know if she's okay and I need explanation what happen. I FRIGGIN MISS YOU JESSICA AND I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING YOU! I really can feel it. I don't want to lose you again. I lose you once but never ever again. I don't care what people think of us, I just want to be with you. You're my everything, I just want you and my life would be complete. I don't want anymore from this world, I just want you. Ughh, enough of this shit, I'm giving us another week and if there's still nothing, I'm letting everything go and its going to be hard and hurtful. Its because, I really don't want to lose you. I love you, Jessica. I wish you'd know that. I love you so much.